I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
