We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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