There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
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It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
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If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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