he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
