so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
