good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i love accidental penises.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
