No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
