You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
