I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
