My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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