On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I have aggressive nipples.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
