I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
