my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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