You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
