the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
