I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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