So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
