How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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