nut hugger
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
