90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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