sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
