at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
