meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
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Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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