I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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