I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
