Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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