I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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