he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
