she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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