Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
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in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
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Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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