Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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