Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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