I accidentally burped into my bong.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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