How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
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Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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