Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
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I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
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You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."