There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
