just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
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i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
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Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS