I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
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I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything