I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
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