I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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