Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
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He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
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I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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