i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
