I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
