I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
