I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Randomize
