I just cut my nipple shaving
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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