I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
