my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
