Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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