I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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