please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
