Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
