My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
