If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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