I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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