so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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