so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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