Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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