Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
