My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
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