I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
